What I'm looking for.

It feels so weird to be here now. Profane, like having sex in your childhood room.
Oh well.

His hands slightly shaking. He means to keep it all under control, keep it completely cool, but his pulse betrays him. I can see, in that slight unsteadiness, that despite the distance and the serene face, he is affected by me. He wants me. Enough to make me wait, and oh, I'll wait however long he says.

I'll do any and all the things, to see his hands slightly shaking as they undo a button. To see the smiles.
The wicked smile, when a new, unspeakable idea pops into his mind.
The sadistic smile, rejoicing in the divine pain he knows he's causing, reaffirming the extent of my surrender.
The satisfied smile, as he sees his desires fulfilled.

The smiles he's unaware of, when he sleeps, when he's happy. I saw it the very first night, when I had to force myself to close my eyes, because the vision of him smiling, sleeping next to me was so damn beautiful.

And god damn it, in all my life I have never, ever seen such tenderness anywhere, as there was in the look in his eyes when he managed to get that damn thing in my butt. And hell, I think it's romantic, however weird.

I'll be good for him. I'll be better, I'll be the smartest, the prettiest, the sluttiest and the most devoted. For him.

After all this time, the answer appears without even thinking about it. After all this time, I know what I'm looking for.